Amusing Bears In The News (1)

Some of you may have seen the photographs in the newspapers recently of a bear in Snowmass, Colorado, who supposedly found himself trapped in a skateboard pit and had to be provided with a ladder in order to escape.

I telephoned the bear involved and, as usual, the reports are not entirely accurate.

The bear, whose name is Walter, did not 'fall' in the pit, as was claimed. He arranged to meet another bear there for some early morning skateboarding. He did not have his board with him because Bernard, his friend, was bringing both boards with him.

Unfortunately, Bernard had lost his map showing him the way to the skateboard park, and there was nobody around to ask directions.

Walter waited in the pit until it became obvious that Bernard was not going to appear, and then went home to a slap-up feed of fried egg sandwiches and barbecue sauce.

Brought to you by Orso's News Service - The Bear with a Paw on the Pulse of the Planet.

The lowdown on Orso Bear, Esq

My very good friend Buttons has tagged me with a lively questionnaire.

This is splendid fun. If there's one thing I like it's a quiz or a questionnaire.

So here we go.

1. Who is the Hottest Movie Star?

Not sure what you mean by 'hottest'. I do remember talking to my good friend Bart, the star of the 1988 film "The Bear", after he was shamefully overlooked by the Academy Awards for that year. He was drowning his sorrows with a large chocolate milkshake, and I commented that he was looking exceptionally fit. He explained that shooting the film was so strenuous, with so many retakes and dangerous stunts performed under the glare of the sun, that he had lost a stone and a half, and at the end of some days he had to sit in a refrigerated trailer just to cool off.

I'm assuming that's the sort of thing you had in mind.

2. Apart from your house & car, what is the most important item you have acquired?

I share my house with some humans, who seem to think that because they pay the rent they're in charge. And I don't have a car, I ride a horse called Parker.

But the most important item I have acquired is unquestionably my silk top hat, which I wear with my black opera cloak (with sky blue lining) and silver-tipped cane whenever I enjoy a night at the theatre. Why don't people dress properly for a night out these days?

3. Most treasured memory?

When I discovered the open window around the back of the cake shop.

4. What is the best gift you ever received as a child?

I'm not a very materialistic bear, and I think the best gift I ever received was the following piece of advice from my wise old grandfather. "Orso, my boy," he said to me one day, "no matter how bad things may seem, no matter what disappointments you may encounter along life's highway, always remember that Haagen Dazs ice cream works out cheaper the more of it you buy." He was right, and I've never forgotten his wisdom.

5. What is the biggest mistake you have ever made?

Lending this bear my keyboard. Don't get me wrong, I love "The Teddy Bear's Picnic", but it's all he can play.

6. Four words to describe yourself?

Charming, endearing, handsome, modest

7. What is the lowlight or highlight of 2008?

The highlight was the 2nd birthday party of my friend Knut. Here he is opening my present: a sack of ice cream.

The lowlight was when the cake shop finally worked out what was happening to their victoria sponges and started locking the window at night.

8.What is your favourite film?

An exciting thriller about a somewhat naughty bear getting up to mischief.

9. Tell me one thing I don't know about you.

I'm thinking of becoming a doctor. I've already picked out my parking space.

10. If you were a comic book / strip or cartoon character, who would you be?

Unquestionably Yogi. I try to model myself on his resourcefulness and easy way with a one-liner. My friend Fred, who is a very old bear, remembers when this series was first shown, and he tells me that you could go out into the streets on transmission nights and not see a single bear.

Now we come to the task of handing the tag on, but it would appear that most of my favourite bears have already been tagged. I therefore open this questionnaire up to all non-human bloggers who would like to have a go. Just leave me a message in my comments and I'll rush over to your sites and look at your answers.

Until next time, then, I remain,

Yours most sincerely,

Mr Orso Bear, Esq

How long does it take you to get served in restaurants?

.This bear ordered a cheese sandwich and a strawberry milkshake forty-five minutes ago, and he's still waiting.
Grrr!!!

Gone Snuffling

There really is nothing to match an early morning visit to the woods.

I like to trot down to my local woods early on a Sunday morning and indulge in three of my favourite hobbies: talking to my woodland friends, having a go on the rides in the playground, and snuffling.

Now, if you are a bear, you will not need me to tell you what snuffling is, but I do have some human fans and it is possible that they may need the term explained.

Snuffling is the name we give to the fascinating business of pootling about in undergrowth, around old logs and up trees. There is always something new to divert one's attention. Autumn is an especially good time for snuffling, as there are invariably several big piles of leaves on the ground - ideal for snuffling in.

Here are some photographs of me snuffling, to give you the general idea.

Here I am having a good snuffle around some old logs.

And here I am snuffling in some pretty pink flowers.

Here I stopped snuffling for a moment so I could have my picture taken, but as soon as it was done I had an especially good snuffle in these leaves.

You won't be able to see me in this picture because I am hiding behind the tree on the left.

As I said, another good thing about the woods is that there are always friends around to talk to.

Here I am sharing some breakfast with my friend Samuel. Most of the other squirrels call him Sammy but I think that sort of informality can often lead to loss of respect.

This is when Samuel and I were joined by three pigeons who, reasonably enough, liked the look of our breakfast. We were happy to share, but in this picture you see me giving them a stern lecture on the subject of good manners and the importance of waiting one's turn. As you see, the two on the right are listening attentively, but the one on the left proved quite incorrigible.

My local woods are especially good because they have a playground area, where the most marvellous fun may be had free of charge.

On the swings...

... the slide ...

... and on this. Not sure what it is exactly, but it provides first-class amusement.

So that was my guide to the woods. I look forward to meeting you again soon.

Sincerely,

Mr Orso Bear, Esq.

Paper enthusiasts salute your own Orso Bear, Esq!

Alex at Papergrain, "a little blog about stationery and beautiful things", has done a splash on yours truly.
You can see it for yourselves here.
This is both a great honour and a reminder that people who like paper are often among the first to recognise the merits of bears.

Where to find ice cream

Since becoming an internationally world-famous bear both here and abroad, I am often stopped by other bears with questions to ask.
One of the most popular goes something like this:
"Mr Orso Bear, Esq, you have made many references on your excellent site to something called 'ice cream'. This sounds like something I would like, so can you tell me how to obtain some?"
Well, it couldn't be simpler.

If you live with humans, wait until they are out of the house and make your way to the kitchen, where you should find a large white box something like this.

Using your claws for leverage, prise open the front like so. (With a bit of practice this is a quick and easy manoeuvre.)

You are looking for a squarish plastic box. Have a good rummage around because they buy all sorts of other rubbish to put on top and hide it. It'll be in there somewhere.

Success! Always remember to leave some in the box, so they don't catch on to the fact that it has been disappearing faster than they've been eating it.

Now to the question of what, if anything, to put on it.
Go through their cupboards and pull out all the pots and jars that you think look interesting. I usually try anything that's a pretty colour.

Honey and peanut butter are highly recommended.

But I found these disappointing. One of the few occasions when my pretty colour rule let me down.

Finally, make sure that you tidy everything away, clean all the cutlery and surfaces and put the ice cream back in the big white box. And then they will never know what you've been up to.

I hope this has been of assistance.

Sincerely,

Mr Orso Bear, Esq.

Some of my colleagues and associates

I share my house with a number of other bears, and so I thought it might be of interest if I introduced some of them to you.
It's likely that I will be mentioning them again in the future, so it's probably as well that you know exactly who I am talking about.

Firstly, then, this is Polar. Polar is instantly recognisable on account of his white fur and red scarf. If you live in London, you'll know that we've been experiencing a heat wave of late. I asked Polar why he was wearing a scarf in such hot weather, and he replied that it's because he comes from a very cold country. I believe there is a flaw in his argument somewhere, but I haven't quite pinned it down yet.

This is Fred. As you can perhaps see, Fred is a good deal older than me. He's very old indeed, actually. For instance, he can remember watching Yogi Bear on its original transmission. He doesn't go out a lot and can be a bit grouchy at times, but I dare say I may be the same when I get to be his age. However, that won't be for absolutely ages.

This is Boris. Boris likes to go snuffling in the local woods where he thinks up his ideas. Some of them, like his idea to have the whole of the woods carpeted, don't really amount to much. Occasionally, however, he comes up with a very good one. His plan to make ice cream free to all bears is already at the petition stage, and we are expecting the government to reach a decision on it very soon.

And lastly, here's me, Bob, Polar, Edward, Lou, Humphrey, Lattimer, Fred and Polar's nephews and nieces watching a television broadcast of the film Bear Island, based on the bestseller by Mr Alistair Maclean. Overall, we felt it was one of those films that didn't quite live up to the expectations of its title, though there was plenty of exciting action.

On Being Helpful

When you have a lot of wisdom, as I do, I think it's a nice thing to share it with others.

I am always interested when I see gentlemen digging up the roads, and I often wander over for a chat or to see if there is anything I can do to help.

Sometimes, if it seems to me that they could do the job in a better or more efficient way I like to offer my professional advice, which they usually accept gracefully.

I also like getting up early in the morning before they return to work to check on what they have been doing the day before. If I think they've made a mistake, I sometimes helpfully put it right for them. For instance, if I think they are digging in the wrong direction, or haven't dug deep enough, I put my claws to use and help them out.

Sadly, they rarely follow up on my helpful suggestions and usually undo all my hard work, but I try not to let it affect me, or to dampen my enthusiasm for the day.

I also like to hide among the piles of plastic barriers they leave. See if you can spot me in the picture below.

Well, that's all for now. I hope to see you again.

Sincerely,

Orso Bear, Esq.

Me displaying valour

Hello.

I thought that my first post should be of an especially high standard, so as to get the whole shebang off in high style.

Rest assured, all of my posts will of course be exceptionally fine.

But of all the great things I have done, this remains one of the most impressive, so I thought I would share it with you first.

I'm thinking of the occasion on which I parachuted from the roof of my local church in aid of charity.

It was extremely brave of me, and everyone who saw it was incredibly inspired, both by my bravery and by the unflustered style with which I pulled off what is in fact an extremely dangerous stunt.

This is me being lifted up the side of the church in a basket before the daring jump. Those are my feet that you can see sticking out.

A side-view. Please note that the string you can see is purely to lift the basket. When doing the actual jump I used no wires, nets or protection of any kind. Just sheer bravery.

With just seconds to go, it is at this point that some bears find their courage is not equal to the task and change their mind. I did not.

And away I go. Until you've done it, you cannot know the excitement.

I know this looks like I'm walking up the exterior of the church, but in fact this is another thrilling action shot of the descent. I just decided to come down in this incredibly stylish way because I was so calm and collected I was able to come up with clever ideas like this while actually in mid-air.

Finally, this is me looking as pleased as Punch, as well I might, holding my Certificate of Valour. The dictionary defines valour as "strength of mind or spirit that enables somebody to encounter danger with firmness and personal bravery", so the word was particularly well chosen in this instance.

Thank you for enjoying my first post, and do please come again.

Mr Orso Bear, Esq.